Dealing with daily stress and still keep the peace

[Monika Wojtasinska]

Hello everyone,

I hope you can give some guidance and tips on how to deal with some feelings.
I had a difficult childhood with an abusive father. Because of that non of my relationships worked. Now being 31 my relationship of 8 years just ended.
It did end because of my mistakes. I did lie a lot because of fear of judgment, rejection and more. He is the most wonderful, kind and loving man. My heart is broken because I lost him. But the most hard part is the fact that I know it is my fault. I did lie true my whole life because of fear. Now I am alone and it did free me from all my issues from the past. I understand it now and I was able to leave the past in the past and let go of all the issues from the past.
Listening to Ajahn Brahm did help me a lot. And he is talking about forgiving yourself for your mistakes, letting go of the past. But what if you still have to deal with the mistakes you have made in the past. I have to deal with the loss of love of my life because of my lies and also with the consequences of this lies. I have a very difficult financial situation now and it gives me lots of stress. I don't need much in live and I don't care about the materialistic things. I just want to be able to pay my bills and live quite life. But what if you get so much stress from your mistakes. I try to forgive myself and fix my life now but it's hard when you are being confronted with these mistakes every day.
I do try to meditate but my head is always busy with being worried and thinking. What if I will lose my home, what if I will not be able to resolve this situation, how can I stop feeling this pain of losing my ex? It's making me so tired. I would love to be able to end these thoughts and just get quit in my head so that I can get in touch with my real feelings and the solution for my issues.
Does anybody has any tips or guidance that could help me?
Thanks a lot in advance!

Love and regards,

Monika

[Mara Pacers]

Greetings Monika,
You are in a great position for moving forward and progressing along the path. Do not despair :-) Many have been in situations like yours and moved on to greater awareness, happiness and contentment.
I'll write a more detailed response soon, but just wanted to quickly acknowledge your post, your current suffering, and send you some Metta.

M

[Mara Pacers]

For some immediate relief you could try a meditation that focuses on the present moment. I have found one of the similes that Ajahn Brahm uses to be very useful. He talks about imagining the past and the future as two heavy suitcases that you are carrying around.

The case in you left hand is the past, and the one in your right hand is the future.
In meditation, after doing a body scan, focus on your left hand, and the weight and stress of the suitcase of the past. Then put down the case, and feel the relief of having put down that burden for a rest. Really relax your hand and arm and focus on how light it feels. Your arm may even disappear.

Then focus on your right hand case and let go of the burden of the future. Again feel the relief in your hand and arm, how light it is from releasing the burden for a rest.

At this stage I let that lightness move through the whole body, feeling light and unburdened in the present moment. Just enjoy, relax.

I love this particular meditation

[Monika Wojtasinska]

Hello Mara,

Thank you for your reply. This helps me a lot. I will try this with the meditation today in the evening!

Regards,

Monika

For some immediate relief you could try a meditation that focuses on the present moment. I have found one of the similes that Ajahn Brahm uses to be very useful. He talks about imagining the past and the future as two heavy suitcases that you are carrying around.

The case in you left hand is the past, and the one in your right hand is the future.
In meditation, after doing a body scan, focus on your left hand, and the weight and stress of the suitcase of the past. Then put down the case, and feel the relief of having put down that burden for a rest. Really relax your hand and arm and focus on how light it feels. Your arm may even disappear.

Then focus on your right hand case and let go of the burden of the future. Again feel the relief in your hand and arm, how light it is from releasing the burden for a rest.

At this stage I let that lightness move through the whole body, feeling light and unburdened in the present moment. Just enjoy, relax.

I love this particular meditation

[Mara Pacers]

Good Morning Monika
Here is some food for thought....

What if you realise that your actions in the past were not mistakes. As a person, your difficult and abusive past conditioned you to think and act in ways that made perfect sense in your world as a child, teenager and young adult. You meant no harm, but were focused on 'protecting' yourself from hurt.

Now you have the benefit of insight into your own conditioning, and can deal more wisely with your thoughts and actions into the future. You have developed awareness! This is never easy, but ultimately it is a great gift and opportunity for growth of wisdom, happiness, and skillful behaviour.

This is a result of your relationship. It has been a great vehicle for you, without which you may still have been acting in unwise ways.

Your current feelings will change, and you will face less suffering in the future if you continue to use these experiences as opportunities for awakening

At the moment, it may seem a very long way away - but it will pass

Sending you Metta

Mara

[Ruth Morrison]

Hi Monika, just a small rather practical hands on tip from me: in that situation, when your mind goes around and around in the same tracks and you already thought this same thoughts a thousand times, your mind got control of you. What helped me in situations like that (trying to meditate, when I am emotionally very upset), is:
I "tell" my mind... (you can even promise your mind!) to come back to these topics AFTER these 20 or 30 minutes of meditation, but, "my dear mind, sitting in front of that wall, we can not resolve that problem anyway, so just give me that 30 minutes brake." "This is doable, it won't harm us!" my mind thinks then... and, Monika, that worked for me in the times when my (ex-)relationship was about to break.
Hope that might help a bit
_()_

[Monika Wojtasinska]

Hi Mara,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write me. This helps a lot. I am trying to see it this way. I can see how this is changing me for the better. It only hearts that he does't want to give it another chance. I can see how good we could have it together now that I am so different and did let go of everything. I need to learn to accept it that it's over and that he does't want to be with me anymore. I did learn so much from this and this gave me the best things in my life now. How hard it is to miss him it was for the best.

Kind regards,
Monika

[Monika Wojtasinska]

Hi Ruth,

Thank you for your reply. I did try it and it did help for some time . Thank you for the tip. It did calm my mind.

Regards,

Monika

[Ruth Morrison]

Hi Monika, I just remembered another "hands-on" or "mind-on" method, that helped me in emotionally troubled days. It was loving kindness to myself.
Allowing myself, to be happy, even though I made mistakes. I would allow others to be happy too, when they make mistakes, so why not my own "self". You probably caused damage for yourself and also hurt others. We all do that at times, I guess. We are human. Try to forgive yourself and allow yourself to be happy, send yourself love and forgiveness.
When feeling very ashamed or guilty, this method alone might not help. What probably can help and ease your mind at least for a short time: remember happy times with a light heart and try to re-feel that past feeling of happiness and allow it to fill your heart for as long as you can.
The thoughts about him, and that you could be happier now and make him happier now, are "would" and "if" thoughts. They never really take us anywhere, they just burden our lives.
It's in reality a bit like thinking.... "If I would win the lottery, my live could be so happy!" and being sad about it.
It's your own way of thinking that makes you sad, when you do that. It is firing the second arrow into an already existing wound. Maybe in your past you learned to punish yourself. Well: this really is not necessary and helps nobody.
Maybe you could try to abandon these thoughts. Allow yourself to abandon them because they do not help you, nor him.
And because we can not "not think of something", it's probably good to give your mind another direction whenever it wants to go there: Have a look of what is NOW good in your life. There is always a lot to find. Even if its the weather and birds singing outside. Or some skill you have or people that wish you well...
Just some things you can try.
Wishing you well
Metta _()_ Ruth

[Jerrod Lopes]

Hello Monika,

Ruth and Mara have given you some good advice to try. I want to add some that I find very useful in nearly any situation. Here it is: cultivate contentment. Forget sadness, don't chase happiness, but try and be content. That means being inwardly still regardless of what is happening externally. Happiness and sadness is just a balancing act like a teeter-totter at a childrens playground. We constantly place weight on one side or the other and just keep going back and forth. Happy, sad, good, bad, are all agitated states. Try contentment along with Ruth and Mara's suggestions and you could find some great peace and relief. Be well.

[Leena Aggarwal]

Hi Monika. ...I have been in this tradition for a long time and practicing for a long time and facing many challenges in life. I am a doctor by profession. It will be good to connect and exchange views..I can be reached at leena_aggarwal@yahoo.com