Anxiety and Panic

[Kendra Jory]

I have mental health issues. I struggle with depression, mood disorder, panic and anxiety. I no longer feel bad about having these issues but I do feel a lot of guilt because I struggle to work. This has a huge impact on my husband and daughter. I wish I could work and make money.

I was working up until about 6 months ago when I was laid off due to nothing I did, my boss laid me off so her friend could have a job. I didn't really like the job so I wasn't all that upset. I found that everyday was like facing a firing line. The job was super high stress working with families who were court mandated to attend a daycare. I saw so much abuse and horror.

But since then I haven't worked much. I have had opportunities to work doing the same kind of job but it just didn't feel right. I used to work in a child day care but I just don't really enjoy doing it anymore. I have since signed up for 3 different programs and a mindfulness based stress reduction course so I can get help with my illness. I want to work but not with families.

Basically how do I deal with this guilt. I want to work but I know if I don't get counselling and help through those work programs I will not be any better. I want to be better but at the same time I want to work right now as I have a job opportunity.

I am trying to balance my own needs vs my family's needs. I want to get better. I feel so bad for all the suffering I have put them through financially. They are supportive but I just wish my brain didn't work like this.

How do I deal with getting to know myself and my needs again and how to do I deal with the guilt? I know I self-acceptance is so important.

Thanks,

Kendra

[Bhikkhu Jhanarato]

Dear Kendra,

I am sorry to hear about your struggles.

I don't have a lot of advice for you, except that it might be worthwhile discussing your feelings with your husband and daughter. Tell them how much you would like to contribute, though your condition will not allow it. I'm sure they would not want you to feel guilty about something that is not under your control. Certainly Ajahn Brahm teaches that guilt is not a useful emotion, especially when we see ourselves as bad, rather than seeing the action we have done is bad. In your case, neither is true. So don't feel bad. Many people suffer mental illness. Many of them recover and find meaningful work, or at least work that is appropriate to their condition.

With metta,

Bhante J.R.

[Mark Hyland]

Hi Kendra,
I have suffered with Anxiety Agoraphobia, panic depression, claustrophobia, etc. for 30 + years. 20 of which I haven't been able to work in a proper job too.

Through this time I have had all the therapies, and valium, and not much helped. However two years ago, I was put on a new therepy which is called EMDR, and its working and I mean really working. I thoroughly recommend it. The first 12 sessions, indeed the first session allowed me to get to the doctors, without valium, I sat there and couldn't believe what was happening, I could suddenly do it.

I don't understand how it works, but thats the good thing about it, I don't need to analyse everything as much. I'm not out of the woods completely, but I can get out of the house now, drive, walk, even shop and chill out in coffee shops occassionally, and watch the world go by. Something I hadn't done for 10 years. My interaction with my wife and son has also improved, alot.

The guilt part I experience too, but my therepist says, "get yourself well first", then look to get back to work. We have to go without much, and I go without most, and give what little I have to my son and wife. But thats ok too. I am lucky my parents help a bit too, although I feel guilty about that too

The second 12 sessions, are going well, a shame I had to wait a year to get one them again, but it allowed me to practice, what I had already learn't. I am now using the EMDR and mindfulness meditation, at home and when I go out, it allows me to connect with the outside world better, and feel nature in all its beauty. Indeed I managed to go to the hospital and get wired up to check my pacemaker without running out, drug free too, which I was very pleased with. I did some basic starting meditation and EMDR, and I actually relaxed quite alot whilst in there. And what a buzz I got afterwards, well worth it I'm still happy now.

Anyway enough of my babbling, i hope you find some EMDR in your area, google it, it tells you a little about it, and its not scary at all.

Good luck

M