Important

**Upekkha Bhikkhuni** · 19th-April-2020, 05:07 PM

Dear Jack,

Yes, it is quite reasonable to feel lost at times... But actually, it is just another emotion!

I will read your email carefully and reply in the next few days with any ideas I may have. What you are doing seems excellent - but quite honestly, it is difficult to know what is right or wrong for you from a post on the forum. If it is possible, it would be good to find a real-live teacher you can speak to personally or over Skype to allay your doubts.

I too find myself feeling lost - and do exactly what you are doing when I am stuck! The actual process of breaking down what and writing down what is happening in one's meditation is an excellent exercise. When reporting at interviews at Panditarama in Myanmar, we were asked to use the following format which I find incredibly useful when trying to 'unpack' my practice.

Report on your
1. Sitting Meditation
2. Walking Meditation
3. Daily life practice

in the following way:
1. What did I experience
2. How did I observe it / do with it
3. What happened next

I write this down at the end of the day. It is easier to analyse my practice as I write it down. And also relate it back to the Buddha's teaching to Mahapajapati Gotami in AN8-53, 'Does it lead to dispassion...'

Hope this little bit of information is good for now, I will write again in a few days after I have read your post more carefully.

With metta,
Ven Upekkha

**Jack Williams** · 21st-April-2020, 04:18 PM

Dear Venerable Upekkha,

I've decided to write down what happened today in the way you suggested at the end of your reply. This is done in the hope that it helps you provide feedback when you're ready to do so.

1. Sitting Meditation:

Overview: (Time of day - Morning, Duration - 26 mins - My goal for the next week is deepen my foundation by focusing on letting go of past and future thoughts.)

What I experienced: I started by sitting comfortably on my meditation cushion and felt my body relax. I closed my eyes and asked each body part if they are happy and healthy, immediately and without effort I felt feelings of metta arise. If they were uncomfortable I would adjust them until they were relaxed and at peace.

Once relaxed I moved my attention to the general present moment, just letting go of past and future. As I deepened my presence into the present moment I felt a raw desire to start thinking about the future but it passed quickly. From then on it was very peaceful and calm but towards the end of the meditation a thought about the future arose, about a particular sense object. Then a feeling of ill-will arose immediately after.

2. How did I observe it / do with it: When the thought about the future arose my mindfulness immediately noticed it and recognised it as desire for a future object. I didn't interact with it, I just observed it by staying in the present moment. Following that initial thought, I noticed ill-will towards my meditation object arise. Then, continuing to observe in the present moment, I noticed a desire to stop meditating arise. I decided to trace the causal chain back to its source and looked again at that initial thought of the future.

I noticed that the after the desire for the future sense object arose, I felt ill-will at the meditation object because my desire wasn't being fulfilled. I then saw that because this desire wasn't being fulfilled ill-will about the present moment arose and the ill-will at the present moment arose because of the raw craving I had. The raw craving arose because my mind made contact with the thought of item in particular and my mind decided that it was good.

That investigation happened without any effort on my part, it was really very strange and its the first time that has happened.

3. What happened next: The sense desire for the future reduced in intensity and I was able to continue my meditation. I don't know why it reduced in intensity though.

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2. Walking Meditation:

Overview: (Time of day - Morning, Duration - 25mins)

What I experienced: I didn't experience anything very big, however I have noticed a raw craving/desire to think about the future rather than having actual thoughts of the future themselves. It feels like a general sense of unease about letting go of the past and future. Its quite weird. Again, this wasn't thinking directly about the future/past i was catching it more at the formation of the thoughts.

2. How did I observe it / do with it: I just watched it to see where it would go. It was in the present moment so I felt like it was an okay object to watch. I made mental notes on how the craving felt in my body.

3. What happened next: The craving subsided pretty quickly once I started watching it. I don't know why.

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3. Daily life practice:

I wake up and immediately do my walking meditation then follow it by sitting meditation. I felt very calm and peaceful after my meditations were done, I had a very subtle sense of happiness and contentment too. I then chant in pali for 10-15 minutes after sitting meditation. I chant offerings for the buddha, then recollections of buddha, dhamma and sangha, finishing with the 3 refuges and 5 precepts. I always feel full of joy and faith when I'm chanting and after I chant. Its my favourite part of the morning.

As I'm going about my day I try and stay mindful and in the present moment. If I'm eating, I try to just eat, not look around etc. If I'm walking, I try to just walk and not think about where I'm heading. Finally I like to read a sutta once a day, I usually feel joy or inspiration from reading them so I rarely need to force myself to read them. If I don't understand something I look up a dhamma talk about it.

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This is my full report. I hope it helps you understand my practice and if I'm on the right track. Thank you again venerable for taking the time out of your practice to help me.

With metta,

Jack

**Upekkha Bhikkhuni** · 27th-April-2020, 01:30 PM

Dear Jack,

My first reaction on reading your more detailed report (and yes, it was far more informative) was 'Anumodana!' What a joy to meet a dedicated yogi!

A few things that come to mind when reading what you wrote -

- Your faith is inspiring. It is an 'indriya' and it's power supports your practice. It means you joyfully have a regular routine and stay on the right track, by making sure you keep in line with the Buddha's teachings.

- When thoughts of the future arose, you didn't buy into the story-line, instead, your mindfulness was powerful enough that the craving disappeared quickly.

- Your entire day is one of practice - not just a few hours here and there.

- There is some service in your day (doing chores for your housemates). I like to think of my practice also as a gift to the world.

From the limitation of being at the other end of a computer screen, it seems that you are on the right track - doing well, in fact. Keep going!

I hope that the exercise of writing down your experience in this more detailed way helped you to uncover your strengths and possible weaknesses. In this absence of someone to talk to, I find it a useful tool to 'unpack' my practice.

Finally, it is a great advantage to live in a spiritual community. If you have the opportunity, it would be good to spend an extended period of time in a monastery - it is an entirely different experience living with others!

My very best wishes and that you keep walking the path ~

Ven Upekkha

**Jack Williams** · 19th-May-2020, 09:28 AM

Dear Venerable Upekka,

It has been a month since we last communicated and I wanted to check back in with you now that it has been a month since my post. I wanted to share with you how my practice has been going the last month and ask your advice if I'm still heading in the right direction. Your previous responses helped tremendously and my practice has deepened as a result. Rather than start a new thread, I thought I'd just ask again here as my question is the same as before, "am I on the right track?"

I apologise for the large amount text but I want to thank you for your advice in advance. Metta!

1. Daily life practice:

I've decided that I will start the path towards ordination and see how it goes. I've set out all the steps to ordain at Bodhinyana and started working on them. The biggest so far is paying off all my debts, which I have started to do slowly. I also need to fix a few teeth so I'm nice and healthy. As these cost money I'll need a new job which I'm working towards. In the mean time I'm working towards keeping the 8 precepts one day a week (I'm currently able to maintain 7 precepts but I'm working on letting go of entertainments). Paying off my debts will take a few years so in the meantime I plan on deepening my practice, doing some 9 day retreats and maybe visiting Bodhinyana for an extended stay once the caronavirus is over.

My daily routine is roughly the same as last I reported, although I now meditate for longer and more often during the day. I usually meditate for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening. I've started to study the suttas more carefully, specifically in line with the eight fold path and right view of karma, rebirth, that there are wise people who have seen these things for themselves, non-self, and the four noble truths. Additionally I'm almost halfway through reading the Majjhima Nikaya which I've found very helpful. All in all I meditate twice a day, read the suttas once or twice a day, listen to a dhamma talk on a sutta I'm reading once a day (usually while I'm taking a bath I put on a bswa podcast or video on the sutta I'm reading).

During the day I've been able to keep up my service by cleaning the house, I've also started to help out my family with their debts (provided I can afford it without causing myself harm or stress). When i'm eating I try to not drift off into the future or past, but maintain noble silence and experience the food. I've been putting a lot more effort into Right Speech and Right Action lately as I've read in the suttas that it not only is for our benefit in future lives but it is conducive towards right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness and ultimately, right samadhi. This has been tough but I'm happy to be working on it.

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2. Sitting Meditation:

Overview: (Mornings - 40mins to 1 hour) I've been practicing Ajahn Brahm's 7 stages leading to Jhana style meditation practice, mixed in with Metta Meditation and Walking Meditation. I start by making myself comfortable, then I instruct my gatekeeper to pay attention to the present moment and not to drift off into the past/future. I then let my mind do its work and I get out of the way. I use mala beads to give my hands something to do and I find this really helps me with getting into the present moment easily. Once I'm firmly and silently aware of the present moment I put the beads down and instruct my mind to pay attention to the breath. I can regularly reach the stage where I can watch the breath silently, however I'm still working on developing this third stage. I don't want to rush it. It might take months or years but that is okay.

After 30 or so minutes I find my mind wants to stop meditating so I've started to switch my meditation object towards metta when this happens. I've found that doing metta after watching the breath allows me to very easily create very strong feelings of metta. I've considered that once the metta is strong I could go back to watching the breath but I've not tried this out yet as it is usually 1 hour sitting by now and my body starts to get sore and this is usually when I stop.

What I experienced: Once my attention is on the breath I've noticed that it feels very rough and violent compared to being aware of the present moment. The rise of the chest and noise of breathing in then the sudden loud out breath and fall of the chest is so rough sometimes! I get uncomfortable with the roughness of it and after a while my mind starts looking for something else to do. I've noticed that this usually arises as inner speech starting up again.

2. How did I observe it / do with it: If my mind becomes too active and searching for other things to do and it becomes too difficult to watch the breath I go back to either present moment awareness or silent present moment awareness until the mind has calmed back down. If it calms down I then move my attention back to the breath. If this cycle happens two or three times I move towards metta meditation.

3. What happened next: Sometimes my mind calms back down and I'm able to go back to watching the breath. However it isn't long before my mind starts being uncomfortable with the roughness of the breath and the cycle starts up again. If I switch to Metta I usually have amazing experiences, my mind really inclines towards metta very easily. I can generate so much love and kindness and warmth in my heart it feels like I'm standing in the sunlight. I would like to know how I can develop this further, is it possible to watch the feelings of metta just as one would watch the breath? If so, is there any instructions on this?

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This is my daily practice, I still do walking meditation but nothing significant has happened to merit reporting about it. Thank you again for reading this and giving me advice.

With metta,

Jack

**Upekkha Bhikkhuni** · 26th-May-2020, 01:37 PM

Dear Jack,

As usual, I have not been checking the forum site all that regularly. Forgive the delayed response.

Once again, let me read your message more carefully and I will get back to you with the best advice I have!

With metta,
Ven Upekkha

**Jack Williams** · 29th-May-2020, 07:18 AM

Dear Venerable Upekka,

I had to update you on what just happened in my meditation. It was beyond anything I've experienced, it was so amazing. As I was meditating, my breath became softer and softer and out of nowhere the most incredible joy arose. It was as if I was breathing in pure joy and beauty, every in breath and out breath brought this joy, happiness and beauty. I really can't describe it. I can't believe how amazing it was! I didn't have to do anything either, one moment I was watching the breath and the next moment it was soft and beautiful with lots of joy!

It only lasted for a short time, maybe less than a minute (although its hard to tell because I had no sense of time). I think I got too excited and happy or tried to interfere with it and it went away. I'm fairly certain I just experienced "The Beautiful Breath" for the first time. It was amazing! I want more!

I just wanted to share that with you.

With Metta,
Jack

**Upekkha Bhikkhuni** · 30th-May-2020, 02:21 PM

Dear Jack,

Good to hear from you and well done!

I wrote this message below before reading your latest post. They are reflections that I have personally found useful for myself. Is there a way you can find a Sangha or someone you can speak to personally? I feel a post on a forum is very limited in these matters.

In the end, you will know you are on the right track when wholesome states increase and unwholesome states decrease!

Something I have personally been keeping in mind these days, is that in the end, it is wisdom that sets you free. Not peaceful states. In this regard, reading the suttas and reflecting on them, helps this message gets into one’s head. Though perhaps you can dedicate some time to sit quietly and listen to a podcast rather than doing so while you take a bath? Your mind will be more collected in this way.

Its awesome that metta meditation comes to you easily. From what I understand, the instruction is to focus on the feeling, once is becomes strong and enduring. For me, I consider it going in the 'right' direction, when the sense of self becomes less and less. It shows itself as a feeling in the body of being less contracted and more expansive.

Also after the hour is up, resist the urge to stop meditating. Keep the momentum going either with walking or some other mindful activity. There is a lot to say for not losing momentum during the day.

May I ask, have you considered developing awareness of the body and cittanupassana? What do you observe during 'present moment awareness'? Sensations of the body? Thoughts and emotions? There is a lot of insight to be gained from these I find, particularly in relation to daily life. Just KNOWING more clearly what the mind gets up to is itself a boon.

And finally, I'm really happy that you're making a move to be an anagarika at Bodhinyana. It's good that you are working to pay off your debts and even help your family pay off their debts. Having gratitude for your family and doing as much as you can to support them - as you know - the Buddha speaks highly of it 'matapitu upatthanam...etam mangalam uttamam.'

Best wishes! I truly hope you can find someone nearby (a real human being) to discuss your practice with. What ca be offered on a post is very limited!

Much metta,
Ven Upekkha

**Jack Williams** · 24th-January-2021, 10:07 AM

Dear Venerables,

I am using this thread rather than starting a new thread so as to not take up too much room on the forum.

I apologise that my question is very long, I have no local sangha and I had a very weird experience in meditation and I would like guidance on it. It has affected my outlook on life dramatically and I really need help processing it. Thank you!

Recently I have been looking into rebirth and the scientific investigation of children reporting past lives by the team at the Division of Perceptual Studies at the University of Virginia, founded by Dr. Ian Stevenson (who ajahn brahm has mentioned in a past dhamma talk). I found the evidence very compelling and it reinforced my belief in rebirth to the point where I started to ask myself about my past life, (ie. "who was I?", how did I die?" etc.).

As I thought about it, I realised that whoever I was they must have had a family they loved, people they cared about, had the normal stresses of householder life and so on. Then at their death, they had to let all that go and now I can't remember any of it. So then reflecting on this, I realised that the life of my past life isn't mine, whoever they were they aren't "me". Then I looked at my own life, and thought if everything now is just going to be forgotten, is any of this me? Is any of this MY past, MY future? I decided that in fact, no it was not me. It was as far away from mine as the wind, or a chair.

Then when I sat down to meditate later that night, I made my body comfortable then started to let go of the past and future. I remembered everything I had thought about past lives and rebirth and non-self so i used the mantra "my past is dead, my future is dead". With each in and out breath. I found myself completely letting go of my past and future entirely, to the point where it became someone else's past and future. Then when it came time to let go of internal speech, I changed the mantra to "Their past is dead, Their future is dead, Their words are dead." with every second, third or fourth breath.

Very quickly my mind became silent and all that was left was the breath. I was in this deep void, where there was nothing but the breath. It became so loud! I had no sense of time or space, just the breath. I could see the entire breath, the air being sucked into my lungs, then being expelled, i could feel my ribcage expand and decrease. It was amazing to just sit in the void. However I hadn't completely let go of the "doer" I sensed a very tiny bit of attachment left to the world, a part of me wanted to control things and I felt that it was hindering progress.

When I finished meditation I opened my eyes, however I felt this internal pull back into meditation. I've never felt anything like it. It was like a hot air balloon without any hot air inside. Without the hot air the balloon cannot support itself and it collapses. That is how my mind felt, it felt like it didn't have enough support to stay in the non-meditation, normal world (maybe the five hindrances?). So very quickly I fell back into meditation, sat there for a while then finished meditation again and this time I was able to get up and do things.

Since that moment, I haven't felt the same. For one, I understand what it means to let go now. Secondly, I feel like meditation isn't as hard as I thought it was. It is like there is just a whole lot of junk on the road (5 hindrances) to deeper states and that the mind naturally will go there once the road is clear. I also feel less attached to my past now, and my future. I still have plans and goals but I feel less worried about if things go wrong. Its a lot easier to keep the five precepts now also.

Can a monk please help me interpret this experience and provide guidance on it? Thank you once again!

**Upekkha Bhikkhuni** · 1st-February-2021, 06:36 PM

Dear Jack,
I only just read your post - from what you write, what is happening sounds fantastic. My immediate answer would be, "Just keep going!" However, I will refer your question to someone more senior for advice.
Much mudita,
Ven Upekkha

**Upekkha Bhikkhuni** · 2nd-February-2021, 03:01 PM

Dear Jack,
If you call Bodhinyana Monastery at 6pm, you should be able to speak to Ajahn Brahm (at least that was the case the last I knew of it). You may want to call at that time and have a chat.
Let me know if you get through.
Wishing you all the best!
Ven Upekkha

**Jack Williams** · 2nd-February-2021, 03:30 PM

Dear Ven. Upekkha,

Thank you for responding and letting me know about calling the monastery. I will try and call tomorrow on the 3/02/2021 at 6pm (WA time) to talk about this experience and another I have had since I last wrote to you.

Thank you again.

**Upekkha Bhikkhuni** · 13th-February-2021, 09:45 PM

Dear Jack,
Did you have any luck getting through to Ajahn Brahm?
Ven Upekkha

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Am I on the right track with my personal practice? I feel lost.

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