Intuition, Doubt and Making Decisions

[Jamie Hoey]

Hi,

I was wondering if you could help me by telling me what are your thoughts on intuition and a decision making process.

Basically I have a pretty big decision to make at the moment. Me and my partner are 30 years of age, and we have been together 7 years. I am wondering whether to leave or commit to her. She wants children more than anything and time is of the essence for her

Its a big decision and I could go into all the ins and outs of it, but I feel we might be here all day is I did.

Basically my partner and I have a bit of a heaven realm situation

She is kind, caring, funny, creative, and supports nearly everything I do.

She also has lot of money and has great dreams about us owning an artist/meditation retreat in the future.

She supports me in my Dharma life too and is understanding of its importance in my life, she has said that she will help me fulfil my ambitions with the dharma in terms of giving me the space to go on retreat etc.

We also get along great, we try to hear each other and provide each other with what we need. We rarely fight and we have a great laugh together.

There is a lot but I will spare you, basically it a really really sweet deal, one that many would dream about.

However there is always something niggling me that makes it difficult for me to commit. It a feeling that something isn't entirely right.

Basically my greatest passion is the Dharma. I am really interested in what it's all about and why where here. I love enjoying nature and contemplating life. I love developing a sense of wonder about life.

Now the problem is that my partner really doesn't have this interest. Her desires are more material life, And as a result I don't feel I am greatly understood by her, which creates a distance between us. I would like to share this with her as I would feel much closer to her if I did, but she just isn't interested.

So basically I have a feeling that we could be better fitting

I also sometime get uncomfortable about the idea that she is the financial provider and that she has bought the house and that she buys us holidays etc. I want to be upright and be able to stand on my own two feet and be able to grow in my ability to look after myself, but I have everything taking care of for me, and she enjoys it. I am not always comfortable with this

Now on one hand I'm so happy in the relationship, I love it, we have great lives together. And I'd be very reluctant to give that opportunity up

And on the other I want to feel like I am being true to myself

When I think about committing to her there is resistance in me, that it just doesn't feel totally right, but I do think that if I did I would be able to make it work and that act of committing itself will make the relationship loads better. But I am also afraid of giving up an opportunity of living a real dharma life. And I am afraid of it being somewhat untrue to myself.

On the other hand I am terrified of leaving, my whole life would temporarily flip upside down and I could be a really big change. I don't have much bare the life me and her have together. I have a few Dharma friends, very little money, a low paid job in homelessness, I have few family members etc

But when I ask myself to look at the aspects of myself that want to leave and really listen and say that I am willing to act on them (before thinking of what I have to do in order to get there) there is sense of rightness about it, a neat tidy feeling, and I have a feeling of calm come over me as if its the right thing to do. It not a bowl me over kick me in the stomach feeling, but more like a gentle affirming sense within me, that doesn't need to think about all the ins and the outs of the situation, it more like a gentle knowing, and its feels clear.

No when I think about what I have to do to realise that decision, I panic and am overcome by a sense of dread at all that I could loose etc. On top of that there are a few other circumstances which mean if I left, it could go quite wrong. I'll spare you the details but what important to me here is how intuition works

So this intuition doesn't seem to need to "think" about it... its more a knowing, and when I do "think" about it all I can't see the wood from the trees.

I wondered what you thought about intuition? Is this something that we should always honour? do we sometime need to forgo this feeling? is this a feeling sense for the truth?

As far as I know Ajahn Chah talked about how we need to train our hearts and not necessarily follow them?

Also looking through my life, when making decisions, when I have resistance to something and I do it anyway it can be profitable.

On the other hand I think it’s important to be true to yourself, and I'm wondering does mean going with your intuition?

Thanks for your help

[Bhikkhu Sunyo]

Hi dear Jamie,

Sorry for taking so long to respond. I was visiting family. While I was visiting family, many people asked me why I became a monk. They probably expected a rationale response, that I could explain step by step how I arrived at the decision and how I weighted it against other options. Sort of like why people choose to buy one house over another. But of course it wasn't like that. When I became a monk I followed my feelings, my intuition. Also, when people asked me how I knew I wanted to do this, I told them I just knew. I simply knew.

It is really a new thing for me to go by those types of feelings. I used to be somebody who would really think things out and consider all the outcomes and steps I needed to take. But now I have learned that sometimes the best thing to do is just to jump into the deep end and follow that feeling inside me which tells me what is the right thing to do. I may not be able to explain it to anybody, perhaps not even to myself, but as long as I follow that feeling at least I feel good. I feel sort of satisfied and like having a purpose. It takes away a certain itch that I would otherwise have.

Sorry to start off talking about me. I guess that you can recognize this, though. I feel you are in a similar situation. And now you may hope I can explain to you what you should do. But honestly I can't. I can only suggest you to do what feels right, what you know is right. Sometimes that feeling gets a bit hidden behind all the thoughts and all the business, but the more you follow it the more clear it will become. Probably you will also become more happy in the process.

Honestly, if all you wanted in life was to stay with your partner and start a family, you wouldn't have posted this. That may seem clear. However, that is not to say that you therefore shouldn't do it. I guess everybody has some doubts from time to time about anything. I am a monk and really happy with it, but I can admit that occasionally I have wondered whether it is really the right thing for me to do. But then I realize I have been following that feeling inside me which guides me and realize it is the right thing.

You may have similar feelings -perhaps not wanting to go as far as being a monk- but whether that means you have to distance yourself from your partner is of course for you to find out. One thing I can say for sure though, is that if you don't share your feelings you will automatically create some other sort of distance.

So I would suggest you talk to your partner about these feelings. Have you done that already? It's good for your relationship with your partner, but mostly it will also help you to see your feelings more clearly. Sometimes just venting something helps enormously. It will shed some light on everything and I bet you it will make it clearer to you which way you have to go.

Of course if you are in a point in time where you -as you say- are "wondering whether to leave or commit to her" it may not be very wise to make any definite decisions such as having kids. I'd wait until things are more clear to you.

If you have any more questions or would simply like to say something, please feel free. I have more to share about this because I had similar feelings when I was in a relationship. I will leave that for later, though. Let me know if you'd like to hear it.


With kindness,
Sunyo

[Jamie Hoey]

Thanks you very much Ajahn Sunyo.

I must say I think its great that you make this service available to everyone. Thanks again.

I think you give you sounds advice. I've opened up communications but am taking them slow as they have been building up for some time and I would rather they came out bit by bit.

I'll let you know how I get on.

Thanks again.
Jamie